I was planning on wrtiting on this subject later. Yesternday something happened that reminded me how much it is needed for me to write on this subject now.
A couple of days ago, I went to the store. At the store, I heard people talking about an elderly lady who had a hurt arm. The woman had asked for help because her husband had hurt her. However, when her husband came back into the store, she asked the people she was talking to her to get away from her. She said she was afraid her husband would be upset because he saw her talking to someone. I wanted to do something to help the lady, maybe give her the number to a local shelter, but she was not at the store anymore. It broke my heart to hear about what happened, especially knowing that there was nothing I could do to help her. The cashier said something that struck me. He said that he was shocked because the man who beat his wife was too old for that kind of behavior and should have outgrew that kind of behavior. What? This didn't make sense to me. So, is he implying that it's normal to beat your wife when you are young as long as you outgrow it when you get older?
Unfortunatly situations like this where a huband is abusing his wife happen often. This is unacceptable. Colossians 3:19 says "Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them." According towww.dvrc-or.org, one in every four women in the United States will be abused by their significant other at some point in her lives. There are many false myths associated with domestic violence. Many people think that is more likely to occur among poor people or weak people, but to domestic violence does not discriminate in who it affects. Domestic violence affects poor people, rich people, white people, black people, strong people, uneducated people, educated people etc. Chances are that you know someone who is in an abusive relationship. So how do you help someone in such a relationship?
Do not judge or blame her. This will not help. Chances are that she is being put down by her abuser. She probably already feels like the abuse is her fault and that she deserves it. If you put down and blame her, you may feed into her belief that she deserves the abuse. Let's stop blaming the victim.
Stand by your friend no matter how many times she goes back to her abuser. Chances are that if your friend is being abused she will go back to her abuser. According to www.acadv.org a victim will leave her abuser an average of 7 or 8 times before she leaves for good. Often times people get frustrated at the victim and say why doesn't she just leave? There are many reasons why victims stay in abusive relationships. I do not have time to go in to all of them, but I can name a few. She does not have the money to support herself, she has small children, and she is afraid for her life. According to www.domesticabuseshelter.org women who leave their spouses have a 75% chance of being killed by their abuser than those women that stay. Be a good friend for her and willing to listen. Be there for her until she finally is ready to leave for good.
Remind your friend that the abuse is not her fault. If she has children tell her that her children do not deserve to be in this kind of situation. Remind her that it is never acceptable to hit another human being. Remind her that domestic violence is against the law.
Encourage your friend to get a safety plan. Domestic violence is dangerous and she needs to take precautions to keep herself safe. If your friend calls a local domestic violence shelter, that shelter can assist with developing safety plans for every situation, wheter your friend decides to stay or leave. Leaving is the most dangerous time so your friend needs to be aware of how to safely leave. Tell your friend not to tell her abuser when and where she will be going.
If your friend leaves her abuser tell her that getting a protective order is an option. Explain to her that filing a restraining order is not the same as filing criminal charges. Explain to her that filing a protective order will not put her abuser in jail, unless he violates the order. A protective order is a court order that tells the abuser he has to stay away from the victim. A protective order prevents him from abusing, stalking, or harrassing her. Warn her that although protective orders help in some instances, they do not help in others. A protective order is a peice of paper and sometimes people violate them. So, your friend should still be cautious. She should notify her neighbors, friends, and coworkers, that he is not to come near her. IF she or anyone sees him at her work, or job, they should immediately call the police.
Encourage your friend to call a local domestc violence shelters. Shelters are a safe secret place to live temporaitrly untill your friend gets back on her feet. Even if she does not need to stay at a shelter advocates can help in other ways. Advocates can assist her by helping her get a safety plan, connecting her with resources in the community, giving her items she may need to live such as clothes. Many shelters offer some sort of counceling wheter it be individual or support groups. These groups can help your friend get support from others dealing with a similiar situation and help her to learn more about the dynamics of domestic violence.
Pray for your friend and her abuser. Ask God to draw him towards God and to change his heart. Ask God to protect your friend and keep her safe. Ask God to reveal to her that he is with her. Ask God to give her wisdom on what to do in her situation.
Be a good friend. Be understanding and compassionate. Help her in anyway you can. Listen to her and give her the support she needs during this difficult time.
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